How Does Therapy Help?

Effective therapy involves Three Components

We only invest in a process if we know how it is going to help. We buy a Blue Apron membership because we know it’ll ease the burden of cooking, and we pay a mechanic to fix squealing brakes because we know they are necessary to drive a car. But many of us do not start therapy because we don’t know how it actually helps.    

Even though we don’t know how therapy helps, we intuitively know when something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Just like squealing brakes that will not repair on their own, past trauma, broken relationships, and feelings like anger and shame will continue to negatively impact us until we seek help.  

The prescription for effective therapy involves three components: providing insight and new experiences within the context of a therapeutic relationship.

Insight is knowing what we feel, what we do, and why we do it. We often know when something feels bad, even though we can’t determine why we feel that way. Or, we find ourselves caught in repetitive cycles of doing what we don’t want to do. We may spend a lot of time thinking of solutions on our own, but it’s hard to independently gain insight. Therapy helps because it involves discovering fresh perspectives on persistent problems.

Therapy also provides an environment to create new experiences. Many of us are stuck in old patterns we have learned in childhood: don’t feel angry, don’t have needs, figure things out on your own. These messages become fixated in adulthood and negatively impact our identity and relationship with others. Like a laboratory where discoveries are made, therapy is a space to create new experiences that can be transferred into our everyday lives.  

Finally, therapy helps when it is delivered in the context of a collaborative, empathic relationship. Insight and new experiences are important, but long-term change is achieved in the context of a therapeutic relationship. Without the context of a relationship, therapy is like reading a self-help book; it may provide some momentary help, but you are left craving a deeper connection to help understand your problem.

The mission of Chicago Collaborative Psychotherapy is to create lasting change. Through years of conducting therapy, I have found that these three components are necessary to reach this goal. If you are interested in learning more, call me for a free phone consultation or learn more about how to find a good therapist.  

Jay-Z Thinks You Should Start Therapy

If there is a blueprint to success, Jay-Z is the chief architect. He is one of the best-selling musicians of all time who masterfully delivers rhymes about his personal experiences. His music is confessional and unapologetic, whether he is talking about growing up in the housing projects of Brooklyn or defying barriers to become the richest hip-hop musician in the world.

After a highly public elevator incident in 2014, speculation arose about infidelity. Three years later, he addressed these rumors in the release of the 4:44 album. In consistent form from his early career, he used this album to share intimate details of his personal life, including allusions to attending therapy.

In an interview with the editor of the New York Times, Jay-Z was asked outright, “This album sounds to me like a therapy session. Have you been in therapy?” In his unmistakable Brooklyn accent, he immediately, confidently replies, “Yeah yeah.”

He shares how therapy led to greater awareness as to how he shutdown emotions in order to survive painful childhood events, such as his father’s absence. He credits therapy with understanding how men who raised him hid their emotions in order to protect themselves from being perceived as wounded or weak. “You have to survive...so you shut down all emotions… you can’t connect. And all things happen from there.”

He details how learning to suppress emotions robbed him of happiness, even at the height of his professional success. “I was hiding,” he states. “The strangest thing a man can do is cry. To expose your feelings, to be vulnerable to the world? That’s real strength. You feel like you have to be this guarded person. That’s not real. That’s fake.” He offers these insights in a celebratory tone, as if he is finally freed from false childhood messages about what a man should be.

As the interview concludes, his attitude is hopeful. “The next chapter is (knowing) the most beautiful things are not objects. The most beautiful things are inside.” He cites his friendships, his relationship with his mother, and the growth he has achieved in therapy as evidence for this claim. He speaks with the assuredness of someone who has worked hard to understand the influence of his past and is enjoying the freedom of arriving on the other side.

Jay-Z’s experiences are common for many men. If you are interested in learning how you could benefit from therapy, call me for a free phone consultation or schedule an appointment here.

Therapy with Men is Different (and why this matters)

Therapy with men is different. Choosing a therapist who understands these differences matters.

My interest in men’s issues began while working at a community mental health agency. I was the only male therapist on staff which meant any male client who requested a male was automatically matched with me. I became curious about some recurring themes I heard in the therapy room. My training at this agency eventually concluded, but my interest in men’s issues persisted.

I joined the U.S. Navy as an active duty psychologist to continue to provide mental health services to men. My experiences in the Navy have shown me that there are common beliefs men have regarding seeking therapy.

“I should be able to do it on my own.”

Most men arrive to a therapist’s waiting room with ambivalence. They have been instructed to be ruggedly individualistic since childhood, and when this fails, they are at a loss as to how to solicit help. The therapeutic process is fundamentally about collaboration and recognition rather than individualism. Journeying with men while they understand their psychological needs for relationships can be a highly curative factor.

“Behavior should be valued over feelings.”

Most men are socialized to believe that feelings are unproductive. They may rhetorically ask, “Why feel sad? Sadness over a loss will not undo the loss.” In these instances, therapy can be helpful to understand flexible emotional expression. While feeling sadness is not going to undo a loss, feeling sad may help unresolved grief.

“I don’t have a problem feeling emotions. I get angry all the time.”

Anger is an emotion that some men are not afraid to feel because it propels them toward action. Inaction is often avoided by men as it can be associated with weakness, indecisiveness, or other traits stereotypically opposed to what they believe a man should be. Therapy illuminates how other emotional processes can also promote action, such as approach instead of avoidance after experiencing shame.

 “I’ve tried therapy before but I ended before I felt better.”

Men have historically lower rates of mental health seeking behavior than their female counterparts. They may also end therapy prematurely when compared to women. This unfortunate reality may be reduced if men are informed about the process of therapy from the beginning. Reminding men that participating in therapy may elicit conflict with earlier messages they’ve received about masculinity (e.g.., that it’s difficult to relinquish control and vulnerability is not weakness) can help to improve success in therapy.

If you've recognized some of these statements, schedule a free phone consultation here or learn more about my approach and credentials here.