Jay-Z Thinks You Should Start Therapy

If there is a blueprint to success, Jay-Z is the chief architect. He is one of the best-selling musicians of all time who masterfully delivers rhymes about his personal experiences. His music is confessional and unapologetic, whether he is talking about growing up in the housing projects of Brooklyn or defying barriers to become the richest hip-hop musician in the world.

After a highly public elevator incident in 2014, speculation arose about infidelity. Three years later, he addressed these rumors in the release of the 4:44 album. In consistent form from his early career, he used this album to share intimate details of his personal life, including allusions to attending therapy.

In an interview with the editor of the New York Times, Jay-Z was asked outright, “This album sounds to me like a therapy session. Have you been in therapy?” In his unmistakable Brooklyn accent, he immediately, confidently replies, “Yeah yeah.”

He shares how therapy led to greater awareness as to how he shutdown emotions in order to survive painful childhood events, such as his father’s absence. He credits therapy with understanding how men who raised him hid their emotions in order to protect themselves from being perceived as wounded or weak. “You have to survive...so you shut down all emotions… you can’t connect. And all things happen from there.”

He details how learning to suppress emotions robbed him of happiness, even at the height of his professional success. “I was hiding,” he states. “The strangest thing a man can do is cry. To expose your feelings, to be vulnerable to the world? That’s real strength. You feel like you have to be this guarded person. That’s not real. That’s fake.” He offers these insights in a celebratory tone, as if he is finally freed from false childhood messages about what a man should be.

As the interview concludes, his attitude is hopeful. “The next chapter is (knowing) the most beautiful things are not objects. The most beautiful things are inside.” He cites his friendships, his relationship with his mother, and the growth he has achieved in therapy as evidence for this claim. He speaks with the assuredness of someone who has worked hard to understand the influence of his past and is enjoying the freedom of arriving on the other side.

Jay-Z’s experiences are common for many men. If you are interested in learning how you could benefit from therapy, call me for a free phone consultation or schedule an appointment here.

How Do I Find a Good Therapist?

A good therapist was twice as effective as ANy antidepressant medication.

The decision to start therapy is not taken lightly. Some individuals feel unsure about starting therapy, feeling hopeful that it can help and cautiously concerned about revisiting old wounds. Once ambivalence clears and the firm decision to begin therapy is made, the looming question remains: How do I find a good therapist?

Many start with consulting online listing sites, but our technology-driven culture does not help ease this complicated task. We have become accustomed to opening an app, being bombarded with options, and making a decision in seconds. This process is repeated, whether it’s swiping through a list of potential dating partners or scoping reviews for a restaurant. However, finding a good therapist is different from researching a brunch spot and requires a more thoughtful method.  

This process becomes even more difficult when we consider how therapy is different from other healthcare services. Imagine you are enjoying a perfect weekend on the ski slopes until you meet the wrong side of the pine tree. You come to find out you need surgery to repair your ACL. You would prefer that your surgeon is empathetic and genuine, but you ultimately need her to perform the surgery well. Personality characteristics are secondary to her main job of repairing your ACL.

In psychotherapy, personality characteristics are at the forefront of the healing process. Decades of research confirms that the relationship between the therapist and the client is the tool that creates good outcomes in therapy, even more so than the therapist’s technique or experience [1]. When these conditions are met, the results are astounding. A summary of research shows clients believed a good therapist was twice as effective as any FDA approved antidepressant medication [2].

So what factors make for a good therapist? Findings are resolute that good experiences in therapy are dependent on a therapist’s strong relational qualities [3]. An effective therapist must display empathy, or a continual effort to compassionately understand, in order to help a client recognize their own feelings. Reduction in depressed mood, enhanced self-esteem, and increased insight are all direct byproducts of an empathetic therapist [4].

In addition to empathy, good therapists demonstrate genuineness. These therapists relate to their clients authentically and transparently, understanding them as real people and not as a list of complaints to be cured. Genuineness enhances the relationship between therapist and client, which in turn enhances the client’s progression toward goals. Clients who reported improvement in therapy believed that their therapist’s genuineness was the most important aspect of the treatment [5].

Finally, a good therapist will be able to identify when the client's goals aren't being met. Better outcomes prevail when clients and therapists address ways in which therapy isn’t working and seek to correct this process [6]. Good therapists will also seek to repair conflicts with clients. Therapy can also be an emotionally taxing experience where misunderstandings occasionally emerge. Therapists who address these instances and explore ways to correct them create better therapeutic outcomes than therapists who avoid discussing them [7].

The type of therapy offered at CCP strives to model these qualities. Learn more about the services provided here or schedule an appointment here.

[1] Luborsky et al. (1986) [2] Turner, Matthews, Linardatos, Tell, & Rosenthal (2008) [3] Keenan & Rubin (2016) [4] Watson, McMullen, Prosser, & Bedard (2011) [5] Curtis, Field, Knaan-Kostman, & Mannix (2004) [6] Safran, Muran, & Eubanks-Carter (2011) [7] Ibid

Therapy with Men is Different (and why this matters)

Therapy with men is different. Choosing a therapist who understands these differences matters.

My interest in men’s issues began while working at a community mental health agency. I was the only male therapist on staff which meant any male client who requested a male was automatically matched with me. I became curious about some recurring themes I heard in the therapy room. My training at this agency eventually concluded, but my interest in men’s issues persisted.

I joined the U.S. Navy as an active duty psychologist to continue to provide mental health services to men. My experiences in the Navy have shown me that there are common beliefs men have regarding seeking therapy.

“I should be able to do it on my own.”

Most men arrive to a therapist’s waiting room with ambivalence. They have been instructed to be ruggedly individualistic since childhood, and when this fails, they are at a loss as to how to solicit help. The therapeutic process is fundamentally about collaboration and recognition rather than individualism. Journeying with men while they understand their psychological needs for relationships can be a highly curative factor.

“Behavior should be valued over feelings.”

Most men are socialized to believe that feelings are unproductive. They may rhetorically ask, “Why feel sad? Sadness over a loss will not undo the loss.” In these instances, therapy can be helpful to understand flexible emotional expression. While feeling sadness is not going to undo a loss, feeling sad may help unresolved grief.

“I don’t have a problem feeling emotions. I get angry all the time.”

Anger is an emotion that some men are not afraid to feel because it propels them toward action. Inaction is often avoided by men as it can be associated with weakness, indecisiveness, or other traits stereotypically opposed to what they believe a man should be. Therapy illuminates how other emotional processes can also promote action, such as approach instead of avoidance after experiencing shame.

 “I’ve tried therapy before but I ended before I felt better.”

Men have historically lower rates of mental health seeking behavior than their female counterparts. They may also end therapy prematurely when compared to women. This unfortunate reality may be reduced if men are informed about the process of therapy from the beginning. Reminding men that participating in therapy may elicit conflict with earlier messages they’ve received about masculinity (e.g.., that it’s difficult to relinquish control and vulnerability is not weakness) can help to improve success in therapy.

If you've recognized some of these statements, schedule a free phone consultation here or learn more about my approach and credentials here.