The Good-Enough Father

Authored by Alyssa Strenger, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist

Almost three years ago my dad was throwing me around under the stars at my wedding dance like he was a professional swing dancer. My initial shock quickly faded into a giddy trust, and I allowed my dad to toss me in the air without fear or hesitation knowing my Dad would catch me. He did.

Researchers have highlighted the role of fathers as much more than secondary parents or babysitters. Dads are essential for the emotional, social, and physical development of their children, and perfection is not required; just be good-enough. Children of involved fathers have higher levels of confidence and motivation as well as improved thinking skills and social adeptness. These characteristics are nurtured through the secure attachment children have with their fathers, knowing that if he throws them in the air he will catch them. Secure attachment allows children to feel safe when frightened or uncomfortable, feel confident enough to explore their world knowing dad has their back, and learn to accept and tolerate their emotions.1

The good news is that developing a secure attachment is more intuitive than one might think. Dads are just as biologically prepared to care for their infants as mothers. In fact, the bonding hormone oxytocin has also been found to increase in men’s brains after the birth of a child and is linked to more active parenting behaviors.2 So knowing you were made for this, here are four ways to strengthen the father-child bond.

First, remember that spending time with your child is about quality and consistency. Even if you are a dad who works full time, setting aside some quality time every day to be present with your child will have an immeasurable impact. Play with your children, read to them, follow them on adventures, or have Saturday breakfast dates. It does not matter what you do, it just matters that you show up.

Second, have conversations with your child. Take time to ask specific, open-ended questions about the day (e.g., What did you do on your play date with Sam? How’s your volleyball serve coming along? What’s been hard?). Let your child see that you are curious about the little things. Believe it or not, you are more valuable than the screens they are looking at!

Third, show affection to your child. Vocalize your love over and over again, even when all you get in response is a tired, “I knoooooowwww, Dad.” Give the hugs, the kisses, and the hair tussles. Provide descriptive praise and affirmation for the budding person and not just the accomplishments (e.g. You felt nervous to go to the dance but you still went—that was brave. You got your sister’s bottle when I asked you to—that was so helpful!)

Last, allow yourself to be good-enough not perfect. You can’t catch ‘em all, and the adequately prepared child needs an occasional fall—except if you’ve tossed her in the air, then try to catch her. All your child needs for you to be is good-enough.

1Hoffman, K., Cooper, G., & Powell, B. (2017) Raising a Secure Child. The Guilford Press: New York, New York.

2https://fatherhood.global

The Consequences of Not Feeling

Most men have been rewarded for not feeling

Men often have an experience before they have an understanding of it. An event may prompt a man to feel a vague sense of discomfort, but it will only be made truly meaningful once he understands the precise emotions that were elicited. For example, being publicly reprimanded by your boss may make you feel uneasy, but understanding that the feeling was shame will equip you with greater knowledge and guide you about what to do next.   

Ideally all men would have learned how to identify what they’re feeling, but often the opposite is true. Most men have been rewarded for not feeling. They have received messages early in life, both overtly and covertly, that displaying emotions undermines other masculine ideals like strength and stability. These messages are often given by an important male figure in the boy’s early life, such as his father. The risk of appearing non-masculine and betraying this male figure is likely too great of a consequence, so he learns that emotional expression must be abandoned. These messages continue to be reinforced throughout childhood and adolescence. Once in adulthood, the consequences of not feeling become most noticeable in the domains of friendships, romantic relationships, work performance, and the use of unhelpful, short-term fixes. Thankfully, therapy provides solutions to these dilemmas.  

Friendships

Most men state that their most important friendships are with other men. When both men have been told not to feel, the friendship may be restricted to participating in hobbies or discussing sports or politics. These relationships can provide a degree of satisfaction, but they do not often provide a context to share the richness of emotional lives that most men crave.

Romantic Relationships

Men are often criticized for not being fully present in their romantic relationships. Whether it is with a girlfriend or a spouse, a man’s inability to feel emotions is often perceived as disengagement or disinterest by his partner. When disagreements arise and a resolution is needed, most partners want to know what the man feels and how to avoid a similar disagreement in the future. When men cannot label what they feel, repairing romantic relationships becomes problematic.

Work Performance

Professional success is quantified by outcomes, not intent. Since being successful at work is a value held by most men, they understand that a measurable goal must be achieved.  The culture of many companies privileges masculine ideals and reinforces the idea that it doesn’t matter what you feel, as long as you reach the goal. When emotional inhibition is seen as necessary for success, it is no wonder that some men feel dissatisfied with their professional lives and wish to be more fulfilled in their occupation.  

Unhelpful, Short-Term Fixes

It is an enticing idea that denying an emotion will make it disappear, but it doesn’t work. Avoiding a feeling will only make that feeling grow over time. Many men know it is unreasonable to expect an emotion will evaporate if avoided, but they also don’t know how to get unstuck. The map out of the stuck place is confusing and the undesired emotion must be quelled somehow. Therefore, men commonly adopt a set of behaviors to compensate for their inability to feel emotions. A variety of numbing behaviors, like alcohol use, sexual activity, or over reliance on technology, provide momentary relief from these painful emotions. Relief does occur, but the brevity of the fix often leaves men feeling even more stuck than when they started.

How to Feel Better

These consequences do not have to be permanent. There are steps that men can take to regain the power and confidence they lost by neglecting emotions. Individual therapy and men’s group therapy are powerful mediums that can help men feel better. However, it’s important that men find a therapist who is knowledgeable of men’s issues. I’ve maintained a focus on men’s issues in research and clinical practice because I believe that men find more success in therapy when their therapist is well-acquainted with these ideas. Learn more here about how therapy with men is different and or schedule an initial phone consultation here.

Jay-Z Thinks You Should Start Therapy

If there is a blueprint to success, Jay-Z is the chief architect. He is one of the best-selling musicians of all time who masterfully delivers rhymes about his personal experiences. His music is confessional and unapologetic, whether he is talking about growing up in the housing projects of Brooklyn or defying barriers to become the richest hip-hop musician in the world.

After a highly public elevator incident in 2014, speculation arose about infidelity. Three years later, he addressed these rumors in the release of the 4:44 album. In consistent form from his early career, he used this album to share intimate details of his personal life, including allusions to attending therapy.

In an interview with the editor of the New York Times, Jay-Z was asked outright, “This album sounds to me like a therapy session. Have you been in therapy?” In his unmistakable Brooklyn accent, he immediately, confidently replies, “Yeah yeah.”

He shares how therapy led to greater awareness as to how he shutdown emotions in order to survive painful childhood events, such as his father’s absence. He credits therapy with understanding how men who raised him hid their emotions in order to protect themselves from being perceived as wounded or weak. “You have to survive...so you shut down all emotions… you can’t connect. And all things happen from there.”

He details how learning to suppress emotions robbed him of happiness, even at the height of his professional success. “I was hiding,” he states. “The strangest thing a man can do is cry. To expose your feelings, to be vulnerable to the world? That’s real strength. You feel like you have to be this guarded person. That’s not real. That’s fake.” He offers these insights in a celebratory tone, as if he is finally freed from false childhood messages about what a man should be.

As the interview concludes, his attitude is hopeful. “The next chapter is (knowing) the most beautiful things are not objects. The most beautiful things are inside.” He cites his friendships, his relationship with his mother, and the growth he has achieved in therapy as evidence for this claim. He speaks with the assuredness of someone who has worked hard to understand the influence of his past and is enjoying the freedom of arriving on the other side.

Jay-Z’s experiences are common for many men. If you are interested in learning how you could benefit from therapy, call me for a free phone consultation or schedule an appointment here.

Depression in Men: Understanding the Missing Piece

Avoiding help and being a man have become synonymous. From professional athletes to sitcom portrayals of dads, we are told that a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do and he often has to do it alone.   

A main reason why men avoid seeking help is due to gender role socialization, the beliefs and expectations that we have for how a man should think and behave. Men should value certain ideals, such as being in control, being financial providers, and restricting emotions. When men allow themselves to experience emotions, it should be only anger or rage. These emotions propel the man to action versus emotions like sadness, shame, or loneliness, which heighten vulnerability and undermine the power and control he has been taught to seek.

When men restrict emotions, they also restrict expressions of emotions, such as crying. Boys who are raised to believe that crying is weakness eventually grow up to be men who are skilled at hiding their true feelings.

This phenomenon becomes meaningful in the assessment and treatment of men with depression. Many therapists are trained to see emotions, such as sad mood, as the hallmark symptom of depression. But how do we accurately assess and treat depression if a man avoids emotions? Instead of the stereotypical sad mood, men may exhibit masculine-specific depressive symptoms such as anger, conflict with family or spouse, increased substance use, or workaholism.

At face value, these symptoms are not assumed to be related to depression. The image of an angry person and a depressed person are quite different. However, men may feel safety expressing anger more than sadness, or may use substances to blunt the impact of depression. I have seen many men in therapy who believed that their problem was mismanaged anger, drinking a little too much, or not knowing how to communicate with their spouse. When we examined these symptoms through the lens of depression, therapy became more meaningful. These men were able to acknowledge the long-lasting impact of depression and gained insight to change.

Many men do not realize that there is a hidden link between masculinity and depression. Men need to receive therapy that acknowledges gender influences and examines how they influence psychological wellness. My specialization in men’s issues led me to become a psychologist in the U.S. Navy and contributor to the academic journal, Psychology of Men & Masculinity. Learn more about my approach to therapy here or schedule an initial phone consultation here.

Contributions from Rabinowitz & Cochran (2008).